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Young Writers Society



Faith: Chapter Three, Part Two

by Fangala the Flying Feline


I gulped. Melted unicorn? That really didn’t sound too pleasant to me. I didn’t want to be melted.

Luna laughed at my expression. She ruffled my fur and pointed to a picture on the wall. It was of a black volcano cone with rivers of lava streaming down the sides.

“You’ll have to explain this,” I said, leaning forward.

Luna got an excited look in her eye and began to speak. I could already tell she was a girl who loved to gab. “There’s a nearby volcano called the Devil’s Breast. No ones dares go near it, since the lava is so hot. Ten times hotter than ordinary lava.”

“Why is it so hot?”

“Magic or minerals, no one knows. Don’t interrupt. It’s just getting good.

“A long time ago, before I took Blaine in, I heard a shriek from outside. I slammed open the screen door and ran until I saw something in the meadow, the saddest creature you could imagine.

“It was a unicorn. She was beautiful. But she lay still on the grass and was barely breathing. Her hooves were cheese-soft, not the usual diamond hardness. Now tell me, what makes a unicorn a unicorn?”

I had never seen a unicorn, only in books. “Um…a horn?” I whispered.

“Yes! A horn!” Here Luna staggered back with her hand on her heart. Blaine rolled his eyes. “It was her horn. Well, no it wasn’t. Where it should have been was a puddle of melted black rock. Little pieces of the hardened basalt rock stuck to her eyelids and muzzle. Only the Devil’s Breast could commit such a crime.”

I stopped Luna. “But unicorn horns are white! And why didn’t all of her melt? Why was it only her horn?”

“Hush! You’ll see. Just listen.”

I snuggled deep into the blankets, gazing at Luna with wide, wide eyes.

Luna continued. “The unicorn had strong magic.”

“Duh,” said Blaine.

Ignoring him, Luna said, “She had a special power that stopped her from melting to nothingness. Oh, but her horn! I had never seen such a disaster and I, Luna, have healed many creatures in my life. I popped the poor pony a sleeping pill and dragged her back to my hut."

“She loves this next part,” Blaine muttered to me.

“I lay the horse down on the floor. She opened her eyes when I poured some Reviving Potion in her mouth. She tried to get up, but landed on the floor. The unicorn gave a pitiful whinny and I set to work on her horn.

“I used so many potions! I dripped a little Softening Solution on the melted puddle so that I might be able to form it into a point. Then I used the Swirling Potion to give it curve. Last, I spread Hardening Oil over the whole thing. It came out fine, but I wasn’t pleased with my work. The horn was like a deadly black whirlpool. It looked out of place in the midst of all that dazzling white mane.

“She didn’t mind, but her herd tortured her. They poked her with their horns and pushed her off the waterfall. It was hard to watch. I had made a huge mistake in reviving that creature. A unicorn’s magic is in the horn, you know, and I could do nothing to give that back to her. Some are just better off dead.

“The unicorn never gave up hope. Still, her bright spirits couldn’t last forever. She asked for a painless death—a shot of poison. It…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but she knew what was best. That horn turned her life into hell.”

I didn’t like that story. Not at all. I wished Luna had kept her mouth shut.

“So…uh…why do I remind you of her?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t going to toss me in the volcano.

“I’m not sure. There’s this sort of hope glowing in your eyes. What’s your name anyway?”

“Faith,” I said.

“Faith,” she repeated, and smiled. “It suits you.”

By then I felt strong enough to get out of bed. I walked into the kitchen and had a breakfast of apples and toast. Then Luna escorted me outside, onto her porch, where I could see where she lived. I gasped as sunshine hit my face. I blinked it away and gazed in awe at this new landscape. Shaggy palm trees reared into the sky. Tropical flowers bloomed everywhere. In the distance was the hazy outline of the Devil’s Breast. A couple hundred feet away a magnificent waterfall cascaded down the cliff.

I left Luna’s house soon after. As I walked away, she stood on her porch, waving. “Thank you for coming! Stop by any time! Oh! And don’t go by the waterfall!”

It was better than the volcano.


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73 Reviews


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Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:09 pm
deleted1 wrote a review...



More open and unanswered questions. Unicorns, volcanos with insane heat, magic, people who talk for no reason in awkward sentance structure. No basis or developement of Blaine and Luna (again moon cliche).

The story has lost its charm now, the cliches of the prologue making it seem so whimsical and fun is dead. Its completely gone, and the fact this is just weak writign does not hold up what your prologue started to set the story pace and style.

Develope your ideas and tie the MANY loose ends you've made in previous chapters on your next rewrite. You'll be glad you did.




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Wed Oct 24, 2007 4:13 pm
deleted6 wrote a review...



Hmm truthfully not my sort of story, but a nice idea just need to work on keeping readers entranced. Explain character actions and explain background as well as foreground. The way you describe volcano is clunky at best. I suggest rewriting this and look up volcanoes so ya know what one should expect from an active volcano.

Good luck VSN




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Wed Oct 24, 2007 3:33 pm
SeraphTree wrote a review...



Very good, as always. :D :D :D :D :D :D
Just a couple of things:

When Luna is telling the story, it sounds a little choppy. Try reading it out loud to yourself. That helps :D :D :D

“She didn’t mind, but her herd tortured her

The 'her herd' sounds a little awkward. Another term you can use is 'band.' Wild horses live in bands. Or, you could come up with something completely different. :D :D :D :D

“The unicorn never gave up hope. Still, her bright spirits couldn’t last forever. She asked for a painless death—a shot of poison. It…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but she knew what was best. That horn turned her life into hell.”

You should probably add some details here. It seems like the unicorn suddenly has a death wish. I suggest that earlier you have Luna ask if the unicorn REALLY wants to go home, OR.... you could have Luna not know what would happen, and warn the unicorn to be careful :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

“So…uh…why do I remind you of her?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t going to toss me in the volcano.

Maybe 'poison her in her sleep' would be better, or 'what happened when I was out' sort of thing :D :D :D :D :D

By then I felt strong enough to get out of bed. I walked into the kitchen and had a breakfast of apples and toast. Then Luna escorted me outside, onto her porch, where I could see where she lived. I gasped as sunshine hit my face. I blinked it away and gazed in awe at this new landscape. Shaggy palm trees reared into the sky. Tropical flowers bloomed everywhere. In the distance was the hazy outline of the Devil’s Breast. A couple hundred feet away a magnificent waterfall cascaded down the cliff.

I left Luna’s house soon after. As I walked away, she stood on her porch, waving. “Thank you for coming! Stop by any time! Oh! And don’t go by the waterfall!”


This is a little rushed. I suggest some sort of dialogue between Luna and Faith. The latter saying 'I have to go!' and Luna saying 'Really, where?' You could give her some memories at the falls

That's about it. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D
Keep writing, I really like it :D :D :D :D ***I^o^I***





I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor